By Ryan Stieg
It’s that time everyone. I’ve flipped the sign in the window, and the bakery is open again.
Each year, I debate whether this will be the last time I write this column as this is a college hockey website, and this topic goes all the way back to my days at the Mining Journal in Michigan. However, it’s by far my most popular post of the year and I’m glad I can help people close out the year with a laugh. So, until I shut down this site for good, I’ll keep writing this column.
There were a lot of nominees for pies in 2025, and unlike previous years, there wasn’t a runaway frontrunner. Sometimes, a person has the blue ribbon wrapped up by early fall, but this year, it was a fight to the end. That makes my job a little more difficult, but I like challenges, and I had to make some tough calls on who made the top three. Don’t worry, my honorable mentions. Just be a little dumber, or more of a jerk next year, and you’ll earn your full “just desserts.”
Ding! There’s the oven timer. It’s time to deliver some pies. However, let’s start off with some other awards for the three that just missed the podium.
Spoonful of Cool Whip: Stephen A. Smith
I’ll be honest. I can’t stand this guy. If he’s on my TV screen, I immediately switch channels until I know he’s gone. SAS is everything that’s wrong with the journalism industry. He’s an ignorant loudmouth who sits behind a desk and spews dumb thoughts on a daily basis for ESPN. How he ever became this popular is mindboggling, but that’s our society. The louder you are, the more famous you’ll get, no matter how stupid you sound.
I think what bothers me the most about him is that he has an opinion on everything, and he feels the need to dispense his thoughts on everything. If you asked him how he felt about Keynesian economics and its effectiveness on preventing recessions, he’d Google what those words meant and then pretend to be an expert on the topic five minutes later. Well, now his focus has switched to politics, and it’s clear that he wants to run for something. Not to improve anything in the country of course, but to simply satisfy his massive ego.
His biggest thing this year was to criticize Arizona senator Mark Kelly, who is a veteran and astronaut, for telling troops that they don’t have to obey unlawful orders. SAS didn’t have a legit argument for telling a veteran that he was wrong for telling other military members to follow the Constitution, but specifics don’t matter to SAS. After sharing his thoughts and getting blasted for it, he then insisted that he talked to military members, and they agreed with him. That meant he didn’t talk to anyone and just assumed they would all say he’s right, which is typical for people who get paid absurd amounts of money to spew hot takes for a living. He’s dodged a spot on my list for a long time, but I’ve reached my breaking point with him. Enjoy the spoonful of Cool Whip that I flung on your face. Hope it messes up your makeup, you blowhard.
Small slice: Bill Belichick
Well, America’s grumpiest coach has returned to the spotlight. Bill was let go by the Patriots after they realized that he wasn’t as skilled without Tom Brady as his quarterback and instead of being content to be a grizzled millionaire, he decided to join the college ranks. North Carolina, who needed to make a splash of a coaching hire, threw a bunch of money at Bill, and he tried his hand at coaching college kids for the first time ever.
As one would assume, it’s been a disaster. In this era of NIL, an old man who can barely relate to people his own age had no chance at connecting with 19-year-old students. The Tar Heels went a horrific 4-8 this year after six straight bowl game trips. They also had their worst season opening loss of the history of the program. Bang up job Billo. It wasn’t just his terrible coaching job that earned him a spot on the list. Bill may be one of the best NFL coaches ever, but he’s got a ton of baggage, and he brought even more to UNC.
You see, Bill is currently dating Jordon Hudson, who is 49 years younger than him, and that’s created quite the drama for the Heels. The fact that he’s dating her isn’t necessarily the issue (it’s still weird as hell), but it’s her possible influence on the program and that’s concerning some people at UNC. There was also supposed to be an offseason Hard Knocks series on HBO about Belichick’s first season at UNC, but the series was canceled after Hudson “demanded she be granted content approval and partial ownership of the show” according to The Athletic. Since arriving in Chapel Hill, Billo has created a complete mess for the Tar Heels, and he deserves a small piece of pie shoved in his face. Enjoy it, you creepy old fart.
Big slice: Lane Kiffin
Did you ever know someone that bounces from relationship to relationship? That’s what Lane does with coaching jobs. What makes him even worse is that he still wants to do stuff with his former employer even after he says he’s leaving. He famously ditched Tennessee after just one season when USC waved money at him. In relationship terms, the Vols told Lane they wanted to move in together, and he dumped them before they got the couch off the truck. Later when he was the offensive coordinator at Alabama, he accepted the job at Florida Atlantic, but he still planned to coach while Bama was still in the playoffs. The Crimson Tide thought otherwise and told him to screw off. Rightfully so.
Well, Lane decided to pull that same stunt this season at Ole Miss. Over the course of the season, there were rumors that Lane would possibly leave for another team like LSU, Florida or Penn State. So naturally, that brought some unneeded drama to the program. Nevertheless, the Rebels persisted, and they ended up earning a spot in the College Football Playoff for the first time. Then Lane decided to bolt for LSU. However, he still wanted to have his cake and eat it too by asking if he could still coach the Rebels in the CFP. That’s like leaving your fiancé at the altar and then asking if you could still have some wedding cake. Ole Miss did the same thing Bama did and told Lane to hit the bricks.
If that wasn’t enough, Lane was brought into the TV broadcast booth for LSU’s bowl game and then promptly left after his segment. The guy didn’t even stay until the end of the game to watch the team he was set to coach. What kind of guy does that? One who deserves a big slice of pie to his mug. Hope it tastes good, pretty boy.
Pie Crumbs: The Colorado Rockies for almost breaking the MLB record for losses in a season that was set last year by the Chicago White Sox; The Pohlad family announcing they’re selling the Minnesota Twins and then reversing course and having a massive fire sale at the trade deadline; The Minnesota Vikings for being unable to develop a quarterback; The NCAA for fining schools for refusing to play in bowl games; Protein Slammin’ Strawberry Pop-Tart for jumping off the podium and refusing to be sacrificed after the Pop-Tarts Bowl; The Lions fan who harassed DK Metcalf and then dressing like a moron in a presser trying to explain his actions; Senator Tommy Tuberville for continuing to be racist; Deion Sanders for making Colorado retire his son’s number despite him not doing anything of significance; Florida State and Wisconsin for giving their terrible coaches too large of buyouts to fire them; Penn State and LSU giving their coaches too large of buyouts in general; Scandal-ridden Kelvin Sampson and the Houston Cougars falling flat in the men’s basketball national championship.
Third prize: Sherrone Moore and the Michigan Wolverines
Oh boy. You can make a good case that Sherrone and the Skunkbears deserve to be higher on the podium, but they have to settle for third. Sherrone first came to national attention after temporarily taking over Jim Harbaugh’s head coaching duties at Michigan two years ago and later, bawling his eyes out after a win and creating a highly popular meme. After Harbaugh left for the NFL, Moore was named head coach, and the drama was just beginning. He was accused of being involved in the Michigan sign-stealing scandal, deleting a bunch text messages he did with sign-stealing ringleader Connor Stalions, and he served a two-game suspension this season for doing so and not fully complying with a NCAA investigation into the scandal. Then things got worse.
Earlier this month, Sherrone got fired with cause after Michigan received evidence that he had an inappropriate relationship with a female Michigan staff member. There had been an investigation by the Wolverines over the summer about the potential relationship, but both people denied it. The woman then admitted that she did have a relationship with him, proved it and Michigan sent Sherrone packing. The firing didn’t sit well with Sherrone, who allegedly, barged into the woman’s home, grabbed some knives and kitchen scissors and threatened to kill himself. He eventually left after the woman threatened to call her lawyer. He’s now charged with third degree home invasion, which is a felony, misdemeanor breaking and entering and misdemeanor stalking. Yikes. Two-time cheater and a crazed criminal. This lunatic deserves a big pie for his nose.
At the same time, so does Michigan. The Wolverines are a mess of a department, and the fact that athletic director Warde Manuel still has a job is bizarre. Since Warde took the job, he’s had a men’s basketball coach get suspended; a men’s hockey coach get accused of discrimination against women, retaliation against a former player, retribution against a former employee and Covid-19 deception during the 2021 NCAA Tournament; and now, there’s Sherrone. Scandals just surround Michigan, and it deserves a pie to its face as well. Once Michigan cleans up the department, then it can wipe off its face.
Second prize: The College Football Playoff Committee
I thought these morons had the title wrapped up a few weeks ago, but just like last year, our champion snuck in under the wire to steal it from the CFP clowns. You’d think they’d get tired of making my list, but they seem determined to take the blue ribbon. They just missed earning the big prize a couple years ago after screwing undefeated ACC Champion Florida State out of the four-team CFP in favor of one-loss and non-SEC champion Alabama. That was bad enough, but then they decided to say, “Hold my beer, we’re gonna try something.”
So after including Notre Dame for weeks in their brackets, the committee decided to dump the Fighting Irish in their final bracket for no reason whatsoever. Instead, they included Bama again despite having the Tide having three losses and losing the SEC Championship to Georgia. That was stupid, but then they decide to include two Group of 5 teams in Tulane and James Madison. There’s been lengthy debate over whether G5 teams should be included in the CFP, and I believe that they should. However, including two of them instead of a well-qualified Power 4 team makes zero sense. To their credit, the Irish told the NCAA they weren’t going to play in a bowl game after getting hosed, which I think more teams should do. There’s only a handful of games that matter, outside of the CFP, and if they disappeared, the only people that would be upset is ESPN, which televises almost all of them.
So, let’s recap. After announcing for weeks that they’d be including Notre Dame, they changed their minds at the last minute. Then they included Bama, whose only chance at getting in was to win the SEC, and it didn’t. Finally, they included two G5 teams instead of one, and both teams got stomped in the first round. These clowns deserve a pie, so here’s a big one and then an extra dose of whipped cream on top to finish the job. Maybe next year, they’ll get a hot one like the jerks in the top spot.
Blue Ribbon: Clark Hunt and the Kansas City Chiefs
There’s no longer anything likeable about this franchise. After three Super Bowl victories and five SB appearances in the last six years, Chiefs fans have become entitled and arrogant. They’re basically what Patriots fans were during the Tom Brady era only without a ridiculous accent. These are the same fans that once booed during a moment of silence for racial equality and eagerly perform the Tomahawk Chop while wearing Native American headdresses.
Then there’s the team in general. Travis Kelce is everywhere now thanks to his engagement to Taylor Swift, and he’s currently being dubbed the greatest tight end of all time. That title always makes me laugh because just five years ago, Rob Gronkowski held that honor. Give it another five years and some other guy will take it from Kelce. Last year, kicker Harrison Butker, said he thinks women should stay in the home and just raise children even though his mother is a renowned physicist. Imagine being the son of a successful scientist while thinking she should’ve been flipping flapjacks in the kitchen instead. Even future Hall of Famer Patrick Mahomes has become annoying as he’s started flopping for a flag anytime a defender comes within two feet of him. This franchise went from ending a 50-year championship drought six years ago and being the lovable kings of football to becoming the most hated team in the league. That’s insanely fast. It took about 12 years of success before America started to truly hate the Patriots. So, kudos on the quickness, KC.
That’s why last year’s Super Bowl was so satisfying. The Chiefs were on the verge of their third straight Super Bowl victory, which would be a first for the NFL. Most people thought they’d pull it off, but then the Eagles crushed them. It’s been more than a decade since the last time I watched a Super Bowl that was over by the end of the third quarter. At one point, Philadelphia led 40-6, and everyone outside of the KC area was on cloud nine. Mahomes struggled badly, Kelce was almost nonexistent, Harry Buttkicker didn’t get on the scoreboard, and the Chiefs defense was torched by Jalen Hurts. Ahh, that was great.
I know what you’re thinking. Geez Ryan, the Super Bowl was back in February. How did this team sneak past the CFP committee and get into the top spot? Well, before I get to that, I’ll give you a little background on the Hunt family and their patriarch, Clark. He’s the grandson of an oil tycoon, inherited all his money as well as the team from his dad, and acts like Greg Marmalard from Animal House. He likes to pretend he’s not ridiculously wealthy when it’s obvious he was born with a silver spoon in his rear. Fun fact, in a 2024 survey, the NFLPA rated Hunt and his crew the second worst franchise to play for and himself as the league’s worst owner. He got a literal F-minus for a grade! This cheapskate took until freaking 2023 to give his players chairs with backs in the locker room. Not only that, but apparently the training room is a dump, and players were not allowed to get preventative treatment for soreness and day-to-day issues. This guy is the Baby Boomer version of Mr. Burns.
So how did Clark and his squad earn first place? Well, a few days ago, it was announced that Clark and his clan would be moving the Chiefs out of Kansas City and into Kansas. He’s been trying to get a replacement for Arrowhead Stadium for years, and he’s held the city and surrounding area in Missouri hostage to get millions of public money to pay for it. Owners tend to do this when they want new stuff, but here’s the thing about the Hunts. They’re the second richest owners in the league and have a net worth of $25 billion. He could literally buy a new stadium himself, but as I’ve told you, he’s far too cheap to do that.
After Jackson County voters overwhelmingly rejected a sales tax extension for expensive improvements to Arrowhead, Clark and his family of Marmlards voted to bolt to a domed stadium across the state border in 2031. So, who’s going to foot the bill for Clark’s new pad? Kansas taxpayers from new sales taxes on consumers or businesses around the area of the new stadium. So, $1.8 billion of the $3 billion stadium will come from ordinary citizens. Not only that, but the Hunts (and the Chiefs) get to keep 100 percent of all revenue from the stadium, even for non-Chiefs games. Did Kansas voters vote for this? Nope, but a council of their lawmakers did. If that wasn’t enough to get you to despise the Hunts, Clark’s daughter Gracie decided to show off her new outfit for Christmas Eve on Instagram that featured a Dolce & Gabbana skirt and handbag. Nothing says I need help paying for my stadium like your daughter bragging about her expensive clothes on social media. This family just plain sucks.
Well, congratulations, Clark. You, your family and your franchise are this year’s Blue Ribbon winners. I don’t have enough pies for all of you, but here’s a piping hot cherry pie right out of the oven shoved straight into your collective schnozes. I hope it burns because you deserve it.
That does it for this season’s awards. I wish you all the best in 2026. Until this time next year, the bakery is closed.