By Ryan Stieg
Yes, it’s that time again. That special day where I get to deliver some just desserts to the people in sports who deserve it. I know you all have been looking forward to it, but I almost decided to disappoint you this year.
After handing out my annual batch of pies in 2023, I thought that might be the last set I’d produce. It can be time consuming trying to keep up with all the stupidity around the world of sports and keeping a running list over the course of the year. Not to mention, it’s hard to be funny when you’ve been in a mental funk the past few weeks.
However, I decided to persevere and try to give you all a good laugh as we close out 2024. As I write this, I’m glad I did as it there were many people who need some hot filling smashed into their faces and typing their names on my list has been therapeutic. So, here we go. The oven timer has dinged, and the pies are ready.
Honorable Mention No. 2: Major League Baseball and Commissioner Rob Manfred
At this point, I think Manfred legitimately hates the sport he’s in charge of. First off, there’s the uniforms snafu to start the season. During spring training, Nike and Fanatics unveiled their new uniforms for the upcoming season and let’s just say they revealed more than they intended as the pants were see-through. This is mostly those two companies’ fault, but at some point, MLB officials saw these beforehand and somehow thought the players would be okay with it. Then Manfred decided to top that mistake and floated the idea of a “golden bat” where teams would get one opportunity each game to send any hitter to the plate regardless of where they were in the batting order. After being laughed at by the media and fans, he then backtracked and said there were no plans to institute the rule. Despite both of those things, they weren’t enough to get Rob and his league into my top three. They do get a parting gift and that’s a cold scoop of ice cream to their face,
Honorable Mention No. 1: Kyle Shanahan and the San Francisco 49ers
It takes a special coach to choke away a lead in the Super Bowl. However, it takes a unicorn-like one to do it on three separate occasions, but that’s what Kyle has accomplished. He was the Falcons’ offensive coordinator during their infamous 28-3 collapse against the Patriots, he was the Niners’ head coach during Super Bowl LIV when they blew a 10-point second half lead to the Chiefs and he still had the same gig back in February when they lost two separate leads in the fourth quarter and a three-point lead in overtime, again to the Chiefs. The funniest thing about their Super Bowl loss earlier this year is that Shanahan’s players had no idea that overtime rules are different in the playoffs than during the regular season and strategy discussion on how to approach overtime didn’t occur. As a result, the Niners chose to get the ball first, which is the smart move during the regular season, but the wrong move in the playoffs. Kyle and his band of fools got a field goal on their OT possession, but then let the Chiefs march downfield and score a touchdown to win the game. Heading into this season, the Niners were the Super Bowl favorites and they won’t even make the playoffs. For all of this, Kyle and his crew deserve a double scoop of ice cream straight to their respective faces.
Just missed the cut: Tom Brady for showing that you can be an amazing quarterback, but a terrible TV commentator; Former WWE wrestler Val Venis for going from a male stripper gimmick to a transphobe; Netflix for its streaming issue during its much-hyped Jake Paul-Mike Tyson fight; San Diego Padres utility player Tucupita Marcano for getting banned from MLB for gambling with only a 4.3 percent success rate; Miami Heat for honoring its best player, Dwyane Wade, with a statue that looks nothing like him; WNBA commissioner Cathy Engelbert for wearing a New York City skyline dress to the controversial WNBA championship game between New York and Minnesota; Northern Michigan University hockey and football for their horrific seasons (hockey is currently 1-18-1, while football went winless for the second straight year).
Third place ribbon: ESPN and its college football analysts
ESPN earned a ribbon last year and you could make a decent case for them taking the top prize this year, but they’ll have to settle for just another spot on the podium. What got ESPN on my pie list last year was them going all in on justifying Alabama leapfrogging Florida State and earning the final spot in the College Football Playoff. FSU appeared to be a lock at making the four-team CFP after finishing the season undefeated and winning the ACC title. However, the committee picked Bama and instead of being upset, almost everybody decided to be shills for the SEC and found nothing wrong with what happened. This year, the CFP expanded from four to 12 teams, but even then, some ESPN personalities whined that the ‘best” teams didn’t make it in. These supposed “best” teams included 9-3 Bama and 9-3 Ole Miss. How does a 3-loss team deserve a playoff spot over a 1-loss team? Next time beat Vanderbilt and Kentucky, you big babies. When the four first round games were blowouts, these same whiners said that teams like Indiana and SMU didn’t belong and implied that the Crimson Tide and Rebels deserved their spots. The funny thing is all that whining stopped when SEC squad Tennessee got obliterated by Ohio State. None of those same analysts criticized the committee for choosing the Volunteers, which proved the ESPN will lobby constantly for the SEC, but won’t criticize when its teams don’t live up to expectations. The ESPN bellyachers have been mocked relentlessly on social media since the UT-OSU game and even their own coworkers, Monday Night Football commentators Joe Buck and Troy Aikman, took some jabs at them by saying that blowouts happen in football all the time and that doesn’t mean that a team like one-loss Indiana didn’t deserve to be there. So, congrats to all you ESPN college football clowns. Here’s some hot apple pie to all your faces. You will all now be on mute for the rest of the CFP.
Second place ribbon: Owner Jerry Reinsdorf and the Chicago White Sox
When you break a long-standing record for ineptitude, you deserve to finish in the top three, so congrats to the Pale Hose. Back in 1962, the New York Mets set the modern MLB record for losses in a season with 120, a mark that should be hard to break. Other teams have come close, most recently in 2003 when the Tigers hit 119 losses, but this year’s Sox squad pulled it off by finishing 41-121. Last season, the Sox finished with 101 defeats, so it wasn’t a surprise that they were bad again, but few expected them to be legendarily bad. They tied the MLB record with 21 straight losses and went through two separate streaks of 14 losses or more. They also set an MLB record for fastest assurance of a losing season by losing 82 of their first 109 games and were eliminated from playoff contention on August 17. Finally, they set a franchise record of 16 straight home losses. This team didn’t even know how to lose when they were supposed to. During its last home series, Chicago had a chance to break the record in front of their own fans with some even buying tickets just so they could witness history. Instead, they swept the Angels and ended up breaking the record with a loss the next day in Detroit. They did provide some laughs for others though as their social media team pretty much gave up during the final weeks, cracking jokes at their own expense, so I’ll spare them from my wrath. However, everyone else gets a hot blueberry pie straight to their face with Reinsdorf getting a blueberry stuck in his nostril.
Blue Ribbon: Aaron Rodgers
After Deion Sanders just missed taking the top spot last year, I thought he’d get it this year. As it turns out, Deion was fairly quiet in 2024 (well, quiet for him), so this year’s blue ribbon goes to Rodgers, a guy that just needs to shut up and go away. Back in January, this idiot baselessly threw out an accusation that talk show host Jimmy Kimmel had ties to sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein. Rodgers didn’t mention any reason or evidence why Kimmel would be linked to Epstein and his name hasn’t appeared in any Epstein documents that have been released. After Kimmel threatened a lawsuit, Rodgers said his comments were misinterpreted. Just making a comment like that would’ve earned him an honorable mention spot on my list, but Rodgers then kept on making a stronger case for himself. It was almost like he was hell-bent on getting a ribbon. He also praised Vladimir Putin as an “interesting, thoughtful, smart individual,” which makes me think Aaron believes Hitler was just a misunderstood fellow. Praising ruthless dictators will definitely earn you a ribbon, but Aaron went all-in and clinched the top spot by doing what he does best, being a whiny, attention-starved buffoon. The Jets are 4-12 and a couple weeks ago, Aaron called out his teammates instead of looking in the mirror and realizing he’s a big part of the problem. Rodgers is washed up and seems to be following in Brett Favre’s footsteps by torching his on-field legacy by being a jerk off the field. Back when he accused Kimmel of the Epstein connection, he said if that list were to come out, he would “definitely be popping some sort of bottle.” Well, Aaron, I don’t know whether that bottle will be filled with wine, weed gummies or horse tranquilizer, but here’s a hot cherry pie with a burnt crust right to your smug schnoz.
And on that note, the bakery is now closed for another year.
Dipshits, clowns and Jackasses have been called out!